Letters of Love From Pam

October 12, 2010

I am in my sisters’ office as she lies sleeping in her bed after a long day of doctor appointments. The house is quiet as I sit typing on her computer keyboard checking my emails. My fingers touching the same keys she has touched a thousand times before. As I glance down, I observe an Obituary sheet that has cross-outs on it by her own hand and realize that she is planning her funeral service. It is at that moment reality hits, my sister is dying of ALS. As the tears stream down my cheeks, I start touching many items in her office that she uses each day and wonder how much longer will she be able to touch these items and will she be able to get all the things she wanted to get done before she returns to her heavenly home?

As I really start to look around, I see her influence everywhere and in everything. Her home is beautiful in its own way, well maintained, but Sis has never needed or wanted the latest and greatest or should I say newest items for her home. Though she can afford it, she is content with what she has and keeps it in wonderful condition. My sister would rather spend all of her money on genealogy items and anything that is remotely related to that subject and would spare no expense to keep it well preserved, organized and complete. She is the queen of containers and everything in her home is labeled, organized and has a spot or a place in its own special container. Instead of traveling the world to sightsee, she was happier traveling in search of grave sites and solving the mystery of our and other people’s family history. Besides motherhood, genealogy was her calling. She loved working at the Family History Center, speaking at conferences, teaching classes on the subject and was disappointed when she could no longer do so because of her speech. How sorry I am now that I never took the time to learn from her. What a world of knowledge she is on this subject.

Caroline is/was an amazing older sister who when I was young held my hand so I would not fall. I am not going to say it was all bliss; we had our differences like all sisters. As kids we were able to compromise, I would cook, she would clean. Unfortunately for her, she had to put up with many of my faults and like older sisters had the misfortune of having to take me several of the places she went just to be able to go. Throughout our young lives, we shared the love of a magnificent grandmother and survived the harshness of a mother who did not have the capacity for happiness and often attempted to have us at odds with one another. All of that was resolved when mom passed away. Our dad was not involved in our younger years, but later in our lives we were able to reconnect and develop a bond. He now suffers with dementia/Alzheimer and depends upon us to oversee his care, safety and supervision. Fortunately for Dad, due to his illness, he will be spared the pain of watching his oldest daughter deteriorate and eventually die. No parent should have to bury his child especially since he had to watch his only sibling, our Aunt Peg die with the same fatal disease that Missy has.

Sis stuck by me through a failed marriage and with love in her heart, helped care for my first son, Matthew. She has grown to love my husband Rick of 27 years and loves all three of my kids as if they were her own. Caroline is a wonderful mother, wife, daughter, grandmother, sister, and aunt.

Christmas is her favorite holiday and one can only imagine her home during that holiday. I have never met anyone that removes everything from her walls and has Christmas items that are numbered to take their place. Trees, lights, walls, cabinets, dishes, both inside and out, you name it she did it for Christmas. It was like walking into Santa’s workshop. My favorite gift that I ever gave her was a complete five piece place setting including the serving pieces of Christmas dishes that I made especially for her. I painstakingly placed each decal and there were several of them on each piece, hand painted the gold trim with my finger and fired them in my kiln. It took me over six months to make the set and she was so excited and cried when I gave it to her. Each year as she put them out she acts just as excited as the year I gave them to her. This is just one of the many things I will miss about Christmas at Missy’s.

But what speaks volumes about my sister Caroline is her strong testimony, love of God, her acceptance of her terminal illness and her joyous spirit. How she can laugh at her illness, talk about her impending issues with ALS, and even make jokes about the pull up, no button "old lady pants" she had to buy because she is starting to have difficulty with buttons and zippers. As her illness progresses, she will face many difficult challenges but I know she will master each of them with dignity and on her own terms with the love of God, her family and friends. As she said to me the other day, “There are benefits of knowing that your time is coming to an end. Think of all the things I can get finished and all the people I can tell that I love them”. As she was hugging me I was crying and she kept telling me “It will be OK”.

And when the time comes that she leaves her earthly home, I know she will live on in her children, grand-children our family and in the hearts of all she has touched in her own special way. I will have all the beautiful memories of our life together. But until that day comes, I will be there to support her each and every step of the way and will treasurer every moment we spend together and Sis, I want you to know I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I am living, my sister you’ll be!

Love forever and ever, you sister Pammie