Its been 3 weeks since you passed away. Most days I do pretty good. But the last few days have been hard. It seems the numbness is starting to wear off leaving me very raw. It has also been just long enough that I find myself several times a day thinking I need to call you just to say hi.
Ive been reorganizing my house and making it much more functional. Its served not only as a blessed distraction but also as a reminder of everything you taught me. See - I was listening :) While it has been good and therapeutic, it also has been frustrating as I keep finding I have questions for you. Did you make those cute bibs with the letters and animals on them or did Grandma Irene? Which of our ancestors did the little tea set I just found belong to? Were all of your pictures in that one carrier in the garage, or is there another stash somewhere else? I thought we had prepared and I had asked you all of my questions but now I realize I never came close.
Tonight I go to hospice for the first of 8 bereavement counseling sessions. I'm hoping that will help me as I try to find my new normal in life. I never understood how true the saying was - you never know what you have until its gone.
I miss you Mom.
I miss you so much it hurts.
Dear Lisa - My father passed from lung cancer in 1985 and my mother in 1995, freed from the cruel realities of Parkinson's disease. The gift I have to give you is that I never see them ill - and that will take time! Be patient with yourself as you heal and I remember one of my dear cousins saying many years before my parents' passing - You're never prepared to lose your mother - and I found that to be Oh, so true! After my dad's passing I well remember the thinking - I know I'm getting better because it hurts so bad. You can't live in the frozen state of shock which is a friend during the final days, death, and preparation/participation of her memorial service. Both my husband and I attended Caroline's and it was lovely and quite a nice tribute to her. But now you must go on but it will be at your own pace and not anyone else's or through their advice - - - I have a great book that I keep two or three at a time to give others in need. I found it quite by accident in a book store in 1997 after the death of our beloved 4 1/2 year old Irish Setter - Josie who'd had quite a lengthy history of seizures with little relief from medications. The book is titled, "A Time To Grieve - Meditations For Healing After The Death Of A Loved One" by Carol Staudacher. The title said a loved one and didn't specify it had to be a human being. The book is small and can be read two ways - straight through page by page or just pick a chapter or even one page - all the thoughts are contained on one page which is comforting - most people don't have the energy to read through lengthy dissertations during the grieving process. I remember also after my father's passing - I was lucky to have someone in my life that it hurt so bad to be without - - - and don't be afraid of tears - my parents and your mom are worth a few tears - even more if necessary!
ReplyDeleteSincerely, Georgia Smith Eaglehills- Starflower neighbor
Dear Lisa,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you, your loss, and all that I know you are feeling. It will take time. And one day, some time way down the road, you will smile at the sweet memories thinking your Mom brings, instead of cry. Thinking of all of you in this time.
Kris
That's so funny lis because I've been totally going on an organizing, rampage myself. We even finally busted out the label maker Mom gave us 3 years ago for Christmas. The spirit of Mom is raging within me ;)
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