It’s an honor to be here today, it’s an honor to be the daughter of Caroline Rober. I would like to thank you all for coming today. I would also like to express thanks to the Placentia 2nd ward and my ward back in UT – the Hurricane 13th ward for making it possible for me to spend these last few months here with my Mom. I will never be able to express how much that means to me and how much it meant to my Mom.
It was an interesting thing to move back in with my parents after having left, grown up, and started my own family. My Mom and I had developed a deep friendship over the last 10 years and it was fun to have the opportunity to live together again as grown women and friends, rather than as a know it all teenager and mother. When I first started caring for her after Thanksgiving she was gracious in every way. The disease was far enough along that she was no longer able to care for herself but instead of bitterness she handled the everyday annoyance with laughter. At that point she couldn't control her tongue and saliva very well and I always knew when I had her laughing good because she would drool. And instead of being embarrassed and upset it made her laugh ever harder!
My favorite time of day was doing her hair and putting her make up on. We would listen to uplifting music as she allowed me to dress her up and try new ways of doing her hair and makeup. It was delightful. Her speech was also starting to be very difficult to understand and when she said something I couldn't understand I would make up some ridiculous interpretation and she would laugh hysterically! I specifically remember one example of this where she had told my Dad to go "put up the lights." I knew what she had said but my Dad did not understand her. I turned to my Dad and said, she told you to "go get a life." She laughed so hard she could hardly stand it.
There were times when my Mom did come to our aid when it was necessary. It took me until about 4 years ago to finally confess to my Mom one of my childhood secrets I had kept from her. It was one of the most important lessons I ever learned. I was a pretty good kid growing up and never broke the rules while at school. This one time - literally like the one time I did something small wrong I got caught. I knew I would be busted by my Mom and I did not want to get in trouble. So I used the quick wits she also endowed me with and found a sneaky way out of this situation. When I got home I "proved" to my Mom they had the wrong person. That poor school. She took off for Brea Junior High and before long had the school apologizing to me. I felt horrible - she trusted me and she was not going to let any school take advantage of me. I can assure you that her faith and trust in me taught me more than any other lesson I would have learned had I been punished for actually doing what was wrong – and I never broke the rules at school again.
It didn't take long to learn that my Mom was passionate. There was nothing in this world that she could not do through pure hard work and her iron will power. She was one of the hardest working people I have ever known and she always strove for perfection in what she did. It’s something that I see in all of us kids. We don’t want to just do a job – we try to do the job to the best of our abilities. When I started babysitting she would always tell me that I had to leave a home nicer than I had found it. That was how she lived her life - she tried to leave everything and everyone better than when she had encountered them.
There is no doubt that my Mom was strict and she had high expectations for us. I often wondered why none of us rebelled against her rules and high expectations. I heard a speaker in a parenting conference once say that “rules without a relationship will equal rebellion.” That made so much sense to me because while my Mom was strict my Mom loved to play with us - and when my Mom played she played hard!
I remember going to Disneyland with her the first day before school each year, she wore us kids out. She loved to go to movies and we loved to go with her because that always meant treats and popcorn. I remember one time I was living in Seattle and she came to visit. She wanted to take me to see a movie and I wanted to see one but she wanted to see a different movie. She looked at me and said, "why not see them both!" So we did and caught dinner in between. It’s such a small thing but it was the fun and spontaneity that made it special and she was great at that. She loved to go miniature golfing for family night or plan other fun age appropriate activities. I even remember her coordinating laser tag for FHE because that is what Mark and I wanted to do - you know to show those old people up. Turns out when the game was over she had beat us all!
She threw us the best birthday parties ever and made us feel like a VIP - a Very Important Person not only on our birthday but every day of the year. Even when I wasn’t getting along with my Mom I always knew that she loved me. I may have said I doubted it, but I never did. She gave her entire life to making our lives special and wonderful and trying to give us the childhood she never had.
What I loved the most about my Mom was that of all the many things I learned from her they were things she never told us - we learned because that was the way she lived her life. She expected us to work hard and she worked right along beside us. She expected us to be helpful and we grew up watching her help everyone around her. She always was prepared with canned goods in the back of the van so we could help people we saw living on the street. I remember one time I gave one of those bags to a woman with 2 small children right near Luckys grocery store. She was so grateful and I came back heartbroken for them and crying. I’m not sure where we were going but my Mom changed her plans took me into the store and allowed me to buy two bags of groceries and take them back out to that Mother. She had so much compassion empathy for those around her and she loved to help people. She was always the first to extend a welcome and the first to extend help to someone in need.
I found something I wrote in 5th grade that I wanted to share. I wrote, "When I grow up I want to be like my wonderful Mom who cares what you feel like and if you feel sad she will always make you feel better." And she always did. Even when I was here "taking care" of her she lifted and taught me every day.
I wish I could share with you my e-mail inbox full of literally hundreds of e-mails from people that she has touched over the last 6 months. Her willingness to not hide behind pretenses and to share her experience with the entire internet is one of the things I admire the most about her. She wasn’t afraid of being taken advantage of or judged, she never thought of being someone other than herself. She was aware of her shortcomings but she never let them inhibit her. And look at how much good has come out of her willingness to be real and vulnerable. Thousands of people have been touched her story. The day she died her blog had 1,552 views. I will always be grateful that my Mom was real and never tried to someone other than herself. Her integrity was unwavering and she saw the world in black and white. It sometimes caught people of guard but in this world of pretenses and relativism my Mom was like an unwavering anchor and it brought me comfort and security.
My Mom was born into a difficult family life. It had been like that for generations. It always surprised me that she loved Family History so much when her family history wasn't much to brag about. But look at what she did in 1 generation. If you look at our family pedigree chart before my mom you find anger, grief, abuse, addiction. But if you picture her pedigree chart towards her descendants you see the opposite picture. A temple marriage of 35 years, college graduates, well adjusted happy children, 7 beautiful grandchildren…..it’s a whole new type of posterity. What a remarkable woman. Life may not have handed her an easy set of circumstances but she did not care. She worked passionately to create something different for her children. She practiced what she preached and left this world a better place than she found it.
That is the way that I want my Mom to be remembered. Not only did she love family history - she literally changed family history.
What a lovely tribute to your Mom!!
ReplyDeleteI liked the last two paragraphs a lot.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful tributes. Thanks for sharing--since we could not be there this really helps. Very touching and appropriate. Love to all.
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