Recollecting

Dear Mom,

This week we will be celebrating what would have been your 59th birthday. Ive reflected on everything that has happened the last year and just how different a year ago was. I prepared myself for a difficult week, and it has been in many ways. But I have also found answers and clarity. In the bereavement class I attended they talked about Rando's Six R's of grief which are:

• Recognize the loss: First, people must experience their loss and understand that it has happened.

• React: People react emotionally to their loss.

• Recollect and Re-Experience: People may review memories of their lost relationship (events that occurred, places visited together, or day to day moments that were experienced together).

• Relinquish: People begin to put their loss behind them, realizing and accepting that the world has truly changed and that there is no turning back.

• Readjust: People begin the process of returning to daily life and the loss starts to feel less acute and sharp.

• Reinvest: Ultimately, people re-enter the world, forming new relationships and commitments. They accept the changes that have occurred and move past them.

I feel there are parts of me that are trapped in the Recollect and Re-Experience stage. I had the unique opportunity and blessing to help you write your story and experience here on this blog. It was such a gift and outlet for me to purge the emotions and feelings while sharing them with people who were touched by your story. It brought meaning to the sorrow we were going through. Most of all though, writing brought me relief.

You were so determined not to suffer long and somehow you were able to propel your body to follow your mind. There were so many posts that would begin to take to shape in my mind but before I could get the words out that stage or time had already passed. Some of those posts I have forgotten but other parts of your experience stick with me and I feel they need to be told in order for me to really heal. I wrote a post on my own blog about my experience with our daily outings to Disneyland during that time. It wasn't an eloquent or profound post but it brought such a sense of relief when I had actually put those memories into words. I had been holding onto those moments so tightly, afraid that the memories and feelings might get lost or forgotten. When I hit publish on that post I felt freed to just enjoy those memories.

Its hard to describe how the process of writing organizes my thoughts but an excerpt from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire keeps coming to mind - and I know you will appreciate the comparison Mom :)

"I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind....At these times I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from ones mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at ones leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."

Writing is my pensieve :) I am going to continue writing the parts of your story that were left unwritten for me. It might take time but as the posts come back to the surface I will let them be told.

Do you remember what I gave you for Christmas? I gave you Remembrance - that our boys would know you personally and that your legacy would not be forgotten. Neither will the rest of your story.

There is no need to wish you Happy Birthday wishes for a happy coming year...
I know you are happy. We are going to celebrate you like crazy come Saturday!

Love you,
Girly