The tears finally came

If you know me you probably know that I cry pretty easily. But the last few months when it came to my Mom I haven't been able to cry. Ive cried about other things but when I talked about my Mom or thought about her passing it felt like there was a barrier that was holding the emotion at bay. I think I feared that if I opened that door and cried there would be pain waiting there.

And then tonight my friend Andee, my sis in-law Sarah, and I went out to dinner and to our annual Women's Conference for our Church. The messages were inspiring and uplifting and it put my heart into a vulnerable state. On the way home the conversation turned to Andee's good friend who recently passed and I shared an experience about the night my Mom passed and the tears started coming.It was like there was a dam inside of me waiting to burst and the tears came no matter how hard I tried to hold them back.

Thankfully we were close to home and I was able to run and hide away in a quiet place alone. I listened to the beautiful music of Kim Reed as I cried. Her music was such an important part of my Moms journey for us. The tears flowed and sobs escaped. I was wrong about the tears bringing pain, no hidden pain came. In fact it was like a healing balm of relief to finally release the tears.

As I listened to the song "Going Home," a song that for so long represented my Mom leaving this earthly home, the words took on new meaning. They brought me comfort that words can not describe and a meaning that has changed me forever. I am healing. I use to be afraid of healing. Afraid that if I healed it somehow diminished the impact of her life on me. Now I see that healing is the best way to honor her.

I love my Mom. I will always love my Mom. No one in this life will ever take her place. In some ways only I can do that. I am her daughter, the one she trained and raised and through me she will live on forever. She raised me to be strong and resilient. To not only survive but thrive. I hear her in my mind saying "YES!" the way she always did when she was really proud of me. Not only do I hear her in my mind but I feel her in my heart. I know she is proud of me.

I am healing.